Addiction
by Blossoming Sin
Summary: M2, One-shot. "I stopped caring what happened to my mind the day he left." The aftermath of Mello's abandonment; the long road down to hell and back again with a little help from the devil himself. Rated M for smut, drugs, flangst. Matt-centric.


_Here's my little Matt/Mello one-shot-a bit fluffy and angsty, all in Matt's POV-rated M for smut, drug stuff and other things the kiddies parents probably wouldn't approve of. _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or its lovely characters-or else it'd be all yaoi, yaoi, yaoi-yadda, yadda, yadda..._

* * *

**Addiction  
**_All For You_

I listen to the words flowing over my skin, the beat making my body move on its own accord.

I stopped caring what happened to my mind the day he left.

I stopped caring about my body the day my parents left me to die on the floor.

These drugs really got a hold on me now, he used to be the only high in my life.

But when he left, I just grabbed whatever came.

I fumble with my lighter, hoping it will still spark in my useless hands.

I hear a voice calling out to me, I stumble into the hallway, a woman pulling at my shirt some more. I pull away and suddenly find myself throwing up all that I _hadn't_ eaten the past few days.

When's the last time I ate?

Ha, eating...living, being happy.

I think the last time I smiled was-well, a minute ago, recalling his face...but my eyes they aren't smiling happy anymore, he used to say...

_Something._

Something to do with my eyes, I think...

I know what I want to say, but now she's sitting in my lap, touching me through my jeans.

I don't want to, but I gotta stay or else I'll think of him all night.

Maybe this blonde is my blonde, her eyes are blue too...but they are just as red and fucked as my own.

Mel? Mel, is that you?

She screams that her name isn't Melissa, but doesn't stop riding me...I don't feel it, I wonder if she does.

Good thing I managed to put that condom on, holy fuck.

I think my phone's ringing...I wonder who chose to play such a weird tone like that on my phone...was it me?

My mind wanders off to strange corners.

'Hello, hah-hellah?" my words are slurred, did I actually speak out loud there? A loud voice calls to me from the phone, too loud, too painful.

"Mel? I can almost...ha, Mel?" I hear a louder yell in my ear, laughing I push that slut off of me. Doing up my pants, hopefully. I keep walking as she throws something at me, another empty bottle, it smashes near my head...I feel a bit of blood on my arm, warm and dripping...the bit of alcohol attached to the glass making the small cuts burn...I barely feel it, let alone acknowledge it.

The walls tremble, I think that they may be melting like my face, my brain, my life.

"_MATT! Answer me, what's wrong with you?!" _

"Are you sure it's you, Mel...sometimes I hear that, and its....ha, is that you?" I giggle, uncertain.

I trip over something, a person on the ground. They are bleeding, a long gash on their head, vomit streaming from their mouth. I pat them on the shoulder, they moan..._sucks to be you._ Heh, I have a few scars from shit like that.

"_Matty, tell me where you are. I'll come get you, okay? Just answer me!" _

"Hey Mel...member that day. It was-I don't know, years ago. I told you...I told it in my head. Then you left me, member that? I remember, everyday...but it'll be-hmm, nice." Silence, silence...I knew it, just another little gift from the drugs...it felt so real, too.

Always does.

A pretty place, gone to such a nice place.

Maybe I'll go home and he'll be there and I wont let him go this time, I'll tell him it all.

I pass another girl on the streets, blond-ish this time. I lean into her, kissing her...she pushes me away laughing...

'Fifty bucks.' she calls to me. I ask her if she's got anything, she says twenty this time...I pay her, laughing she leans in and slips something in my mouth using her pierced tongue.

I kiss her longer than necessary, slipping her some more money.

I lick her mouth, and whisper to her.

"Mel, can you hear me now? I'm here...why aren't you here?" the girl nods and responds to the name, as if its hers...I enjoy it. I hear him screaming in my head, then suddenly she's pulling back and talking into a phone that looks like mine.

"_If you tell me where you are right now, I'll give you that fifty bucks. I'll give you a hundred if you don't fuck 'em, but keep him with you..."_ I hear the words, see her nodding her head and negotiating a price, two-fifty and she's won over. She smiles and pockets my money, she pushes the phone into my jeans...rubbing me on her way.

"You've been naughty, haven't you Myers? You can call me Mel. Call out to me, M." I groan into her touch, imagining her face into his...wishing, wishing and something in the back of my mind screams...something.

Like that voice on the phone, his voice.

I laugh as her lips come up and kiss my neck, her lipstick smudging on my shirt. Its covered in my own vomit, and probably a few other stains I don't even care to identify.

I feel my world starting to morph again, the stuff she slipped me earlier are finally mingling with whatever I took before. She looks at me strangely, a bit of panic on her almost-pretty face.

"Myers? What did you take before? _Hey!_ Shit-stop it, fucking puke it up, okay? He's coming and he wont pay me if you die...fuck!" She's rambling, my mind is crashing.

He's coming? For me? Or for her? I giggle, imagining Mello with a Mello lookalike, some slut who doesn't ever measure up.

I could be his slut.

I'd be his anything.

I speak it all out loud, the girl nodding and keeping me talking-making sure I don't die before she gets her money? Or maybe she just doesn't want me to die in front of her, fair enough...I hate watching people die, not because I care about any of them, but because its just so messy...

Fuck, is she dying?

I see the world spinning, her eyes blurring up...or am I blurring up?

_Hello?_

Oh shit, these drugs really got me going.

That looks like him, paying that slut I just payed.

"Aren't you gonna take me somewhere? I want to just feel him again..." I stroke my hands down his face. What happened?

"You got all prettier and I didn't even get into a new shirt for you."

He shudders under my hand, hey-_where did my gloves go?_ Fuck!

"I would've, if you had called." I'm almost sure that my words make sense, I think. I study the beauty before me.

"Mello?" the word comes out strong, I realize my thoughts have been leaking out.

"What did you take? _What did you take,_ Matt?" I laugh, the question sounds familiar...didn't that slut just ask me, oh god...are you that slut?

"Oh my god, you look just like him. I'd tell you a secret-but he might get mad...then he'll go again, but I promise you. It's not bad, okay? I wont go anywhere when he comes back-you'll come back yeah?" Someone pulls me to a car, it's a nice car. It looks like mine, is it mine?

"You didn't have to, I'm fine...they got me here, next to you, heh." My breath smells, I can taste it now, I can feel my tongue so much...its heavy-I taste chocolate and leather-nice.

"Would you give me some more, its like he's here...my Mel. When we were little-he would touch my hair when I was sleeping and he always thought I never knew. But I did...I didn't leave him, not even when they came back. I-I can't Mello, so come back to me." the words make my voice break, tears leak down my dirty face.

I hold up my hands to see them, I see a few scars on the back of my hands...another accident.

I laugh a bit, my tongue tasting salt on top of the chocolate and leather and shampoo.

Did I just get face fucked by some guy or are those my tears? I remember going down on my first guy, he was blonde too...I only ever got with blondes. I didn't want to, but I wanted my hit-he let me pay that way.

I feel a bottle in my hands, I take a sip. Water. Pure water, water-clean and making my mouth taste better...I no longer feel the burn of thirst and vomit. My teeth feel strangely clean even though I know they aren't.

I let my hand wander to the driver, I know what he wants...what I want. I just want my next hit of Mello and he always really had a hold on me, the biggest and best hold.

"What's wrong? None of is matters, just -I gotta pay you. Okay?" my words wander off again, I felt a pant leg...leather pants? My hands tingle, my tongue is still so sensitive. I lean over, my seat belt off already...I feel my hands gripping beautiful hair, clean and soft.

"You taste like him." I whisper, or shout...or something. He doesn't respond much, I must've just whispered then. I lick his neck gently, his moan making me hard. I don't remember anyone ever being this real to him, its almost too good. I nip at the neck, biting hard, making sure the hallucination will walk away with my mark.

"You left me, member? But I'll keep you...mmhm so close. I wont let you go-I'll kill you first, 'fore you kill me...Fuck." I let my hands run down a slim chest, an arm getting in my way, I go around. I pull down a cold zipper, touching a warm chest.

"Matt-please, no." I hear his voice whimper, a cold splat on my arm-tears?

"Am I crying again, Mello?" he turns his head to look at me, my voice sounding so sober in that moment. He's crying, not me...his blue eyes, the real ones...they are red and leaking salt water.

I lean up to taste them, I feel the car jerk over to a stop.

I taste his tears, kissing each eye as I reach them. His eyelids are soft, pretty even.

Heh, pretty eye-lids...only Mello would have pretty eyelids.

"We're home...let's go up, okay Matt?" he talks calmly, I nod, not letting go of him. He pulls me out of his door, knowing I wont let up on my grip.

I am just about to go into a door when I feel the need to throw it all up, I push away his arms...falling against a cold wall. The feeling is in my chest, my blood boils.

I throw up behind a bush beside the door, its all liquid, there is nothing more than bile and vodka in my stomach...that and a lot of other shit that shouldn't ever be in a body.

I put it all in, hoping...one day something would replace him.

"It got me standing h-here, next-t-to you. I l-loved you s-so much..." I stammer at the wall, my forehead touching a brick, my shirt is coming off now. I'm too hot, but my teeth are chattering as if I'm cold. I don't want that perfume on me anymore, fucking sluts.

That mix of hollow people and sperm, fucking puke and blood, sweat and pot.

I'm here, _I'm home_...didn't he say home?

"We're home. I'm home-hahah, home alone...always there, alone. At home." I sing to myself, someone pulls at my arms, that smell again...chocolate.

"I drank your tears." I tell the arms, they are strong and shake me a bit to get me to concentrate on walking straight.

"Matt, I don't get it. I don't get it at all, can you even hear me?"

"Loud and clear, gold leader." I smile at the voice, my eyes are heavy now...I just want to feel warm, I hug at the body next to me. It responds, surprisingly, I haven't even paid it yet.

Paid it to feel.

Paid it to feel real.

"Let me help you?" the question wakes me up a bit, I nod. I feel more tears on my face...my hands move to take my own pants off, I walk around a bit...picking up a pillow and a book. A chocolate wrapper, I keep it in my hands, even when he tries to take it.

"He's mine!" I scream, he backs away, letting me win this round.

I fall onto a bed, a large one...almost-clean sheets that smell like sweet sweat, chocolate and sleep.

I used to sleep in his bed when he left me, and for a week it had smelled just like this.

Leather permeates the space, I kept a few of his shirts...hoping he'd come back for them, not for me...but for his fucking clothes.

He didn't.

Not even for his precious leather fucking clothes.

Screw it, I need to sleep or piss or fucking drink.

I don't know, I need him...but he isn't real.

I pass out, not sure if I'm actually on that bed.

Maybe I'm back home, at Wammy's or with my parents.

Who came for me, came back for me and asked for my love again...but I didn't need them.

He already had a hold on me, like they never did.

* * *

I dream that I feel his hands on my body, a cold cloth washing my old skin away. Bringing me new life with his touch, making me shed all of the disgusting sins I had committed in the time since he had left me.

I feel his lips at my face, his arms around me as I thrash around on the bed...

Days pass or maybe minutes.

I hear the sun setting, I hear it and feel the burn of it on my eyes. I scream as they bleed and my skin-it begins to shake and my fingers ache and I just wish for something to make it all go away like I used. I just want more to this life than what I have right now.

FUCK!

"Let me out, Mello!" I scream out loud to any god that exists. I feel hands on me, reassuring and cold...another wet cloth of my slick skin.

I lash out at the kindness, hating it for being so nice.

"I HATE YOU! _I hate you_, fuck! Where are you?! Come back-" I fall back down, I feel skin underneath my fingernails, I'm happy...it means I got a piece of him.

* * *

Hours later, days, years...how long _has_ it been?

I hold the hand that is offered to me.

I kiss it, holding it as if its precious but something poisonous-I love poison, I put that shit in my veins, in my throat, in my nose-all into my broken body. I feel a needle pierce my skin, but its okay-I've gotten used to that strange bite of metal and the burn...but the burn doesn't come.

Did he just take my blood away? I feel like a dried out bit of husk-broken, dirty and decaying.

I would've kept it clean for him, if he had asked.

But he didn't-he just left me.

I wonder what he thought, did he ever think of me?

I feel the presence back, I open my eyes...its so bright.

I thought the sun had already exploded-didn't the world already end before?

'Baby, is that you?' a voice, gentle...like I always wanted. Mom, I used to listen to you cry...you cried so much. I used to hate you when you cried and I was all alone. I would have let you in, if only you let me out of that hell.

* * *

"Matt. It's been a few days, you've gotta eat something...okay? Sit up and I'll feed you some broth. Sit up, Matty." I listen to the velvet honey voice, the singeing rough, the burning in my ears...its heaven.

"I listened to him study out loud, just cause-he was so _serious_. And I always wanted him to talk like that, just for me. I was so selfish-so he went away...I think I should've let go-or-or held on tighter, you know?" I ask the kind person feeding me with a shaking hand.

Usually the faces all look the same, but right now I feel like my body is fading away and my mind if playing so many games.

"You really do look like him." I rub my hands down his arms, he closes his eyes at the touch, spoon faltering. I sip at the yellowish liquid on the large spoon, it tastes good. His eyes are burning blue, a small bit of the soup escapes my mouth...running down my chin.

I ignore the loss, focused on the sight of that gaze...watching me, studying me...so serious.

"Say something again. Mello, say my name again." I say to him, he flinches when I say the alias closest to his heart-I look at him so seriously. His thumb brushes the wasted broth off of my chin, his hand coming up to lick it off in his own mouth.

Then suddenly, I'm pushing him back and claiming that mouth with my own. He sputters and almost pushes me away, but I pin his arms down with strength that shouldn't exist. But he makes me stronger, real strong-not that false strong that the drugs always fill me with.

"Love you." I speak against warm flesh, tongue working and sucking against a neck...I want him to always have my mark on him. I bite down, he moans...I keep biting till I taste blood. He'll always have this mark on his neck.

"_I'll kill you, if you leave me_." I speak again, he mumbles something back that sounds a lot like 'I know, Matt.'

"Again." I ask, my hands fumbling with his shirt, a plain tee with a little hole near the bottom of it.

"Matt, my Matty." his voice is so sad, so sad and so Mello.

My heart beats faster, I lay down against his bare chest...kissing and listening to his beautiful heart beat. I almost believe that this is him, could it be though? Did he finally come back for his old stuff-that poster and those few shirts? Cause I still have them...somewhere at my apartment, wherever that is.

I stop my kissing and wrap my arms around him, my tired body needing peaceful sleep that only comes with being in his presence. He rubs his hands through my hair, like he always used to and that's when I know it's really him, my Mello...he came back-for me.

* * *

More time passes, days gone-minutes wasted letting my body reject all that had built up within me. I cried out for so much in that time, for Mello, for drugs, for death...anything to make it all stop.

Until one day, I woke up and it felt different...I felt new.

"Matt. It's time to get up, you stink." I laugh and my eyes open up wide and bright. I spring up as if its Christmas morning-and maybe it is...maybe baby Jesus feels generous, finally giving an almost-orphan like me a break-giving me him.

I'll keep him safe, God. I promise you, I'll hold him tight and he'll let me stay..._please._

"I'm sorry." I apologize to the perfect man before me, cause he grew up just like me.

Its been years. I feel it on my skin, the time that has passed without him, it clouded my eyes and clogged my veins...feeding off my slowly dying body. The drugs were gonna catch up with me sooner or later, in fact...before he got me, that probably would've been my final night.

He came to save me, just like I always wished.

But its better than that, he didn't push me away when I kissed him, when I told him...anything that I told him-I don't remember all the words that probably fell from my mouth, not over the last few days or years. But I know it was nothing that would endanger him, I never spoke those words-his name, anything about L or Near or Wammy's. Or even my real name-I kept it all locked away, not unlocking them for even a moment, to keep him safe...I'll always keep him safe.

"Don't be sorry, Matt. Just get in the shower. I'll change the sheets before you get out." I nod and hobble off, away from the stinking room that I had been going through hell in. I wander to the bathroom, that I only now realize is painted a nice green colour, almost like my eyes-_sans drugs._

I take off my clothes, feel the fabric fall from my body. I look into the mirror, my hair is greasy and sticking up all over. I have dark circles under my eyes that make me reminisce about L and Near. I giggle at the idea of sitting like the two weirdos that I love, right after Mello-that is.

I turn on the shower and feel the grime leaving my skin-the greasy hair being cleaned, the dirt under my nails being scrubbed out...all those girls and guys, their sick touching all of it-fading away. I notice the fresh hole in my skin, covered by a small band-aid and not at all bruised up like the ones I usually had.

So he _had_ taken my blood? Probably to test me for diseases...wouldn't blame him, I didn't know what I could have-maybe I have it all, but hopefully not.

I get out of the shower, feeling so much better-_alive and almost_ completely clean.

I glance in the mirror again, I notice how much I can see my ribs-they poke out of me, so much more than they used to. I have no meat anywhere, I'm all skin and bones, all scars and dust...where did my blood go? Or is that it there? I call out to Mello, needing to know I'm okay, still breathing.

"What's up?" he asks as he walks into the room, I pull off my goggles, which somehow got back on my neck. I like them with me always.

He blushes as he sees my entire form again, his eyes cloud up when he sees how damaged I am, how skinny and bruised and broken...so _done._

"I'm sorry." I say again, looking at my own body, hating myself for not being good enough for him, or else he wouldn't have left.

I feel hands on my chest, on my heart. I feel lips at my neck, on my cheeks, tasting tears away. I see him pull back a bit and his eyes are burning blue again-the hottest fire, the strongest killer and the best way to die. He whispers into my ear, words making my body light up with that fire.

"_I drank your tears._" I remember those words...from the night he found me, and it feels...like forever ago. _How long _has _it been?_

I stop thinking of time when he nips at my neck again.

Overdosing on Mello-it's the only way to fly.

I laugh and he leans forward to capture that sound with his mouth. I pull back and undress his body, wanting to simply feel flesh on my own skin.

His body has been marred since we were kids, so has mine...but while mine made me look damaged, his made him into more of a tragic beauty rather than just a beauty. I was jealous at how good he could look, but didn't want any of it for myself, I wanted him to be the light of my life...and he was like an angel.

His face and left side had been burned up a bit, I had noticed...but it didn't matter, it just added to his look. And it was true that all Wammy kids were messed up, we just were. Mental scars, emotional scars, physical ones...we all had them.

But Mello made them look-_beautiful._

He lifts my face up with gentle fingers, I stare into his eyes and finally it hits me just like before-_this is really real._

I'm kissing him, hard...feeling real, so real.

His hands slide down my body, his mouth following behind slowly-tongue leaving a trail of life behind. Maybe this is his way of saying I'm not as dirty as I think-or his way of cleaning away the filth I let accumulate while he was gone. I guess the blood test came back negative-_thank god_.

"I love you, Matt." his words make my heart freeze and the rest of my body boil-suddenly I'm starving worse than before-I need him, its no longer a matter of wanting.

I consume his lips, his tongue...I pull him to me tightly, I push him towards the door-towards the bedroom...I'm not forgetting the way he left, I'm not forgiving myself for all these years of destruction-or him for leaving me to rot.

"You know you still...haven't told me why you left like you did. I-I thought it was me." I whispered, trying so hard to make the complaint inaudible-but he stopped. He heard me, he heard and sighed deeply. I didn't want to ruin this, but I just needed to know.

"It wasn't you, Matt. I-missed you, so much. But...I'm gonna need some time to explain it fully to you, and if you don't want to wait- " I kiss his sentence to a stop, I _need _to know this, but not right now...I've waited so many years just to hear him say he loved me, to know he really did care...excuses and explanations they could wait, but this...this couldn't wait. My body had been slowly dying, and now...finally my saving grace had come back.

I'm _healing_, under his touch...under his lips. I feel my way down his body, I'm putting his member into my mouth-sucking hard, listening to his whimpers and moans. He pulled me up, his blue eyes burning, searching in my own.

"Matt...we-I don't want you to be high while we're doing this, but...I don't want to stop." I nodded, trying to collect my thoughts-I wasn't high, not on drugs...not anymore.

"I'm not, Mello, I'm not on anything...I-its all gone. I'm clean, you know...I'm clean." I grinned at him, my green eyes clearer and more lust filled than they had been in years. It was like the past forever had been just a dream, but one that was still there. He nodded, his arms wrapping around me.

"I've been here almost the entire time, but I just had to make sure you didn't take anything else. I-I'm sorry." He's looking so good, all sweaty and wet from my just-showered body...his skin flushed and tinged. I want to consume the rest of him, his entire being...make it all mine.

I'm pushing him down onto the bed, nipping at his chest. Rubbing thighs, grinding bodies. I don't know whose making which noises, we're so loud-_I'm _so loud. He takes my hand up to his mouth, kissing each digit, my palm...sucking in fingers; my index, middle, ring...

"Unngh-Mello...are-are you sure?" he's pushing my hand down his body, I feel my first finger entering him...its so strange, I'm nervous as if its my first time all over again. He, he looks nervous too-is this his first time, for real? Oh God, Mello...

"Is it-this is your first time?" I laugh as he blushes, more from just lust.

"Shut up, Matt...it just never came up." I giggle into his ear, moving my finger around in him, teasing.

"Don't worry, I'll make it worth the wait." A second finger scissoring within his lithe body, my hand playing with a perky nipple, my mouth on his...swallowing his moans. Finally he's relaxing, my third finger in him-searching, searching...this is like nothing I've ever felt before-no drug can compare with my Mello. A bundle of nerves makes him squirm and moan louder beneath me.

"Matt-just, do it already!" He's whiny, forceful-the same old Mel, only with a flick of submissive bits thrown in. Blue eyes are looking up at me-lusty and demanding, but begging me...wanting me as much as I want him. I look around for something to help this-especially if this _is _his first time. I find lotion in a table next to the freshly changed bed. Coating myself I look down into his eyes...

"I love you too, Mello." then I'm in him, waiting-holding back from pulling out and ramming back into him. Stopping because I want him to feel good, not used. He's not another fuck and run for drugs, he's not an escape screw so that I wont have to face the night alone-he's Mello.

"Finally, fuck." I laugh, his impatience is almost endearing. I give him a second, getting used to the intrusion, pulling back to slam back into him, without warning he's moving against me. Making the most wonderful noises, its then that I give it all up _for him_-all the drugs, all the booze, the girls and the guys-I'd always give it all up for him...he just had to come back.

As we drive each other over the edge I feel tears on my face and feel stupid...but Mello's looking up at me, rubbing them away, touching my arms, pulling me close and whispering to me over and over again. He loves me. Loves _me._

After some time he begins to speak, I'm almost asleep and miss some of his words.

"-But Matt...I have, I have to leave and I-" My heart stops, my entire world beginning to shake, the foundations once again being tested-this second rejection will destroy me. There will be no chances to get clean, no going back. I interrupt him before he can finish.

"What?! You're leaving me? _Again?_" He's pulling me back to look him in the eyes, his eyes angry looking-does he think its so selfish that I want him to stay?

"Let me finish, would you? I-I'm going, leaving the country and I want you to come with me...but we might not be coming ba-" he doesn't have a chance to finish his sentence, my mouth once more claiming his-thanking him for taking me, not leaving me again...my heart is still beating painfully in my chest, fear fading slowly in me. I pull back and slug him in the arm, he glares at me, questions in his eyes.

"What the hell was that for?" I laugh at his indignation and his pout, he rubs his deceptively slim-strong arm a bit.

"_That_ was for scaring the shit out of me, you should've said something sooner...I thought I was really gonna have to go through on my threat of killing you." I laugh a bit more, but I think somewhere in me I'm not joking. He doesn't look worried about my threat that rings true, instead he looks happier then before.

"Good, cause now I know how serious you really are-even if it's a bit creepy. Now get some sleep, we're leaving tomorrow morning, bright and early." I grin evilly, leaning over to nip his ear as he pulls out a chocolate bar from his bedside table.

"But what if I'm not sleepy yet?" Mello snorts but I continue to nip at his neck, biting, sucking and kissing at his beautiful and somewhat scarred flesh.

He moans into my touch, pulling at my shoulders, abandoning his addictive sweet for me without a second thought.

Just like I had abandoned the drugs for him-he was the only one for me...and finally I knew, that I was the only one for him.

* * *

_I'm pretty sure no sleep was had that night! _

_I hope you enjoyed this, I found that Eminem was played the most while writing this (oh yeah, I just admitted my secret love for that guy's music at the most random of times...don't judge me, you love it)_

_If you'd be so kind as to drop me a line about this-I'm open to suggestions and critics. If you found it somewhat confusing, well it was supposed to be chaotic-Matty's not at his best during most of this. So think a bit drugged out-crazy and you've got the proper mind set. Hope you enjoyed it._

_-Sinner_


End file.
